Memories and Confessions
by Kaye L
Summary: Just filling up a boring afternoon... Max's siezures and Logan's care


Disclaimer: I'm just writing, J.C. did the thinking. And some other guy who I can't remember the name of and don't really care.

"Logan?" Max called weakly, staggering into his apartment. Logan wheeled himself out of his "office". He did a double take. "You look terrible." She glared at him. "Oh thanks." "Good, if you can still be sarcastic it can't be too bad." Max had walked over to the couch and sat down, holding her head. "She couldn't get any more Triptophane. The doctor she gets in from got fired. Budget cuts. Uhn." Max started to shake violently. 

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Crouched in the luggage car of a south-bound train. She was hungry but not scared or tired. How could she, they didn't know there was such a word: fatigue, tired, lonely. 

"Max? How long since the seizures started?" He moved her into a lying position, afraid she might black out and fall. "b-bout six hours a-g-ag-ago." She manged to stammer. "Some milk would help, 's go-t-t triptophane in it." He went and got it. Logan had to hold the glass for her. 

_Cold, bitter unrelentingcoldcan'tmovezacksaidhidebutheleftus/me… didn't come back .._ What was intact of Max's reason told her he would've come if he could, but all she heard were memories of cold/pain/desertion/good little soldier /no emotion just pain. She gasped, and slid into merciful darkness. 

"Max? _Max!_" Logan shook her. "Don't go into a coma on me Max, c'mon…" She slowly jerked her head up, and grasped his hand on her face. "_Don't leave me." _She whispered fiercely. Logan nodded, and she esconced to her pain once more.

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"Nobody's here Max. No one will hurt you." Martha, her foster mother, who soothed her nightmares and died on her, sniper-shot, followed by flashing bus changes and running, running. Always running, "You will keep moving in enemy territory" he barked, and all the world was enemy territory

"Kendra, I need you to call 446-80924-8320, ask for 'Jason' tell them it's 'Greg' ordering for 'Valentine's Day'. Max keeps blacking out, I can't leave her." Logan hissed through his private line. "Is she gonna be okay? With the neuro-thing? Shouldn't you call a doctor?" asked the worried voice at the other end. Logan had been wrestling with that question. The answer was _NO_ of course, but not for the reasons Kendra believed. "With her arrest record, they could still be looking for her." He prayed Herbal hadn't told them he'd deleted Max's file. The only thing worse than paramedics in his apartment carrying Max off was Lydecker tracking the call and getting there before the paramedics. Logan was sure, now that Lydecker knew of Max's seizures from the bastard warden, he was drying up the Triptophane, knowing eventually she'd either have to score some or die trying. Literally. "Okay, Logan." He hung up and looked at Max. Still pale, shaking and sweating on the couch. He began to dab her face with a damp cloth, and her head started to jerk again. Logan grasped her head so she wouldn't hurt herself, and leaned in and kissed her forehead. "It's going to be okay, I promise."

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She felt Logan grasp her head, Zack did that when she shook so hard she fell out of bed. "Don't make anymore noise." Jess, another girl, held Max straight by her pinching her spine in inspection one day… Aaron exaggerated the guard's faces to distract her from the pain… Max herself holding Jack, an eight-year-old who was worse off than she.. dragged off when he dropped in drills one day

"Logan, we got it! Triptophane will be there in about 8 hours. Shipping it from Houston." "Thanks, Jeff." He'd spent the last day holding Max's head, rocking her, trying to get some milk or broth down her throat every two hours. Even she couldn't take much more of this. "Please, don't let that be too late." Logan pleaded, to himself, Max, and any sympathetic diety that happened to be listening. "You've helped me so much Max, not just saving my life or killing my enemies, I need a reason to get up in the goddamn morning, to try to walk, and I think and hope you know that."

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She heard a murmuring sound, a voice. Not Hannah's, not the drill sargent, Logan's. What was he saying? Words could hurt, she learned that as a toddler, her earliest memory- getting slapped on the hand for reaching for another child. "Don't be weak, No. 32, that disgraces you, you must be a strong soldier. The others do not reach." The watcher spat the last words. Number Thirty-two had only realized her hand felt no-good and so did her chest. The girl who would come to be known as Max didn't know what a heart was.

"I started Eyes Only to reach people and give hope, but you give me hope, that maybe you'll come to trust me and even love me. I love you." Don't go there, she might remember, the alarms in Logan's indifferent sense rang, but he didn't care.

_No. 12 had found the naming-book. In the dead of night, she roused everyone, telling them they needed names,should they be separated in the field . No. 32 was terrified. Diefy the sargent? "I'm Lillian, he's going to be a Zachariah, and you're a Maxine. It's a tough name." No. 32/ Max bent her head in shame. She had worked tirelessly after her weakness was spotted as a young. The seizures had shaken her, just like 36/Kathryn and 17/Zachariah. Shortened to Zach, since friviolity was a crime worthy of death. They stuck together, but it would be a long time before she learned what friend meant_

Max smiled in her delirium. "What are you seeing, Bast? I wish you would tell me." Logan tried to keep his voice calm and soothing, but the Triptophane had better get here soon…

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Erin found the razor. Dropped in the bathroom by a careless officer who shaved one day. The bathrooms were not gender-specific. Zach and Lil had sawed through the electrical wires. They weren't quite through when Max had seizure during inspection. "I'm making an example outa this one." A guard pulled a gun. But they got out, somehow. Split up, Zach signed. No. I'll find you someday, now go!

Logan swabbed her arm, the injected the triptophane into Max. They couldn't wait for it to dissolve in her stomach. "Max, please be okay." She didn't move for several minutes. He laid his head on her chest and began to cry, something he hadn't done since his parents died. "Logan? What the hell?" He looked up into her deep brown eyes, and kissed her still, crying. Only now that his love was alive.


End file.
